“This revolutionary detox will cleanse your body and soul”
“Your liver and kidneys do a fine job of detoxing your body but we know that if you consume our products, which are probably just fibre and laxatives, you’ll be so impressed with all the green slurry coming out of you, you’ll happily let us cleanse your wallet indefinitely.
“Take this one supplement/use this one product and look like this fitness model”
“…if you also lift weights 3-4 times a week and enjoy a side order of human growth hormone with your porridge”
“Eight moves for rock hard abs”
“You won’t be able to see your abs until your body fat is reduced to an unrealistic 10pc but at least they’ll be rock hard”
“Insert name of hottest new workout trend”
“Remember circuit training from school? Yeah, that”
“Functional Training”
“Bicep curls are functional if you want bigger biceps. Walking is functional if you want to get from A to B without a horse. When we say functional though we probably mean impressive balancing tricks which won’t make you any stronger but you’ll feel like you’re doing something because you keep falling on your face”
“Our crisps are full of natural goodness”
“You know what else is natural? Arsenic, scorpions, and death”